Off the Cuff Read online

  So why should straight men take fashion advice from a gay man? Because gay men are generally just a little more sensitive to aesthetics. We pay attention to details. We have all this free time when we’re not watching SportsCenter or having sex with women. I think that improves our clarity. Just kidding!

  Seriously, though, all those years on the playground when all the other boys were making fun of me, I thought, “Oh my God! If only we had something in common!” And now here I am, building bridges, one manicure or trip to Barneys at a time. This book is just my way of reaching out and saying, “This comes from a place of love.” Or maybe it’s severe adolescent rejection. We’re going to get through this just fine if you just hold my hand, and step away from the pleated khakis.

  The Ten Fashion Commandments According to Carson Kressley

  As we proceed on our magical journey to fabulousness, there are some rules for you to follow. Keep your hands inside the tram car at all times and don’t feed the animals.

  1. Disregard trends. You shouldn’t wear something just because it’s of the fashion moment. You have to be yourself, find what looks good on you, and embrace it, even if it’s not “in.” Be one with the penny loafer. The biggest fashion faux pas is trying to look like somebody else.

  2. Never underestimate the power of details. The last thing on is the first thing noticed. Food stains don’t count.

  3. Keep it simple, sassy! For the average guy, it’s about building a personal wardrobe that looks great on you. Don’t make it complicated. When you have a choice between two items, choose the simpler one.

  4. A garment should never be made of more than 25 percent of an unnatural fiber. A little bit of polyester isn’t going to kill you. A lot of polyester? That’s a different story.

  5. Experiment with style. If you make mistakes, life goes on.

  6. Never go shopping alone. You’ve got the store trying to sell you items and you’re not sure you look right. But if you have a friend along, you can always get an objective opinion from someone who knows you.

  7. Don’t overdo it. You want to be noticed for a look that’s yours, and not because you look clownish and inspire the Barnum and Bailey theme song. Overdoing it is like crying, “Oh, look at me!!” I bet you never thought you’d hear me of all people saying that. (“Hi, pot? It’s the kettle calling!”) I think it’s far better to be noticed for subtlety then for garishness.

  8. Never wear anything sheer. Let’s leave the exposed nipples to Janet Jackson, shall we? Thanks for the mammaries, Janet.

  9. Spend within reason. I encourage many trips to the mall or to your favorite fashion retailer. However, when shopping becomes an addiction, and you have to move every two weeks to flee creditors, you officially have a problem. There are two important things to hold on to in this world: your dignity and your personal credit rating. You don’t want to become American Express’ bee-atch.

  10. Cashmere is seasonless. Wear it in winter. Wear it in summer. Wear it to bed and to garden in for all I care, but cashmere is never, ever the wrong answer.

  CHAPTER 1

  Shoes BAD SHOES, YOU LOSE, OR A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE CLOG

  WHEN IT COMES TO SHOES, IT’S PRETTY SIMPLE: BAD SHOES, YOU LOSE. AND WE’RE TALKING MORE THAN SELF-ESTEEM, PEOPLE!

  We’re talking jobs, girlfriends, respect. What you have on your feet can make or break any look ... and break your toes. Spend some money and get the best shoes you can afford. And for Gucci’s sake, make sure that they’re comfortable.

  Because as much as I love sassy shoes, bunions are a real bee-atch, people. Ending up in the podiatric emergency room can ruin Kwanzaa for everyone.

  With shoes, it’s all about quality, quality, quality. It’s better to have two or three pairs of good shoes that will last a long time than to have twenty-five pairs of generic-looking bargain brands. That’s especially true of your dress shoes, but you can slide a little on casual shoes and sneakers.

  Why does quality matter? Because your shoes are the first thing that women look at, and women (and gay men) know good footwear. You might be wearing the most amazing suit in the universe, but if you’re wearing bad shoes, you might as well be wearing a sticker on your forehead that says “LOSER.”

  High-quality shoes are all about construction, and there are a few basic things to look for.

  Your shoes should be made of real leather and have leather soles as well.

  The Fashion Intervention

  If you’ve bought this book for a significant other who thinks he looks fabulous, but his fashion sense is actually stuck in the Miami Vice era, you might be nervous about broaching the subject. I subscribe to the Mary Poppins theory: A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Doing a fashion intervention is a matter of tough love, and as long as you make clear that you come with good intentions, you should be okay. (If that fails, try slipping him a Roofie.)

  And if you are that guy who thinks you look super cool in parachute pants and Members Only jackets, you need to listen to what your spouse or best friend is trying to tell you. They care about you and love you, and they want to help. You need to be willing to accept their honesty and candor in the kind, loving way it’s being offered. Sometimes you think you look great, but you just don’t, and only someone else can tell you that for sure. You need a second opinion. Even I, on rare occasion, think something I’m wearing is amazing and then some good Samaritan—or evil arch enemy—will show me a picture of myself and I’ll say, “Oh, dear!”

  If you buy quality leather shoes, they can be refurbished a number of times and will last forever, which is ultimately going to be less expensive than having to replace crappy, poorly made shoes every few months. For those of you animal lovers out there who won’t wear leather, I admire your principles, I just don’t admire your shoes. Vegetarian leather is like nonfat ice cream. Why bother?

  The soles of well-made shoes will be stitched, not glued, to the bottom of the shoe. Also, the lining in better shoes is made of high-quality calfskin or natural leather, not synthetic materials. Finally, check out the stitching. It should be neat and should be barely noticeable.

  Okay, so now that you know what quality shoes look like, I bet you want to know what styles of shoes you should have. The good news is that there really aren’t too many options. (Yes, occasionally that can be a good thing.) For women, shoes are more of an accessory, like jewelry, that comes in 95 million different shapes, colors, varieties, and textures. But good-looking, stylish, conservative shoes are an absolute necessity for any man’s wardrobe, and there are really just a few basic options for you to choose from.

  My Favorite Pair of Shoes

  My favorite pair of shoes are brown suede Chelsea boots with a side gore that get better every time I wear them. They were hand sewn and bench made in England. I just absolutely love them and they look great with a gray flannel suit or jeans. If I ever get scared or lonely I hold them next to me, breathing in their leathery scent, and all is soon right with the world.

  Shoes are an acquired taste. I’m just going to walk you through the basics (so all you good little straight bunnies need not get overwhelmed on me), because if I unravel the whole world of shoes, you could become obsessive-compulsively addicted to shoe shopping. And the next thing you know you’ll be hanging out with “gender illusionists” and collecting Cher memorabilia.

  I’m not going to bother getting into specifics about the vast sea of casual shoes out there—from monk strap shoes and Chukka Boots to the whole slew of slip-ons. All I can say is keep it simple, sassy. You can really get in trouble with “fashion” shoes for men.

  So here is my list of the ten pairs of shoes that I promise you will take to your grave. (Notice I said that you will take them, not that they will send you to your grave. Important distinction, people!)

  1.The Black Oxford Lace-up, aka the blucher. This is the classic lace-up dress shoe (à la Beatles). And while we’re at it, there is no such thing as a dress shoe that is not a lace-up. The black oxfor
d is the perfect complement to all of your dark suits. Just don’t wear them with a black suit, because you’ll look like a lost Mormon missionary or a Bible salesman. Black bluchers with jeans are not bad as long as the shoe’s not too fancy. I hate to see someone with an overdone dress shoe and a pair of jeans. It just looks stupid.

  2.The Brown Wing Tip. The brown wing tip—also sometimes called a “brogue”—is the ultimate classic shoe. It’s a lot like an oxford, except wing tips have little holes punched into the leather in a pattern. Doesn’t sound familiar? Think of the opening of My Three Sons. Those snappy little tapping toes were wearing wing tips, kids. The brown wing tip looks great with a gray pinstripe suit, as it does with a pair of jeans and an oxford shirt. And who doesn’t love versatility?

  3.The Loafer. As the Judds sang in their country chart topper, love can build a bridge. And a nice brown loafer (penny or tassel—your choice) builds the bridge from sportswear to more dressy clothes. You can wear loafers with a sports coat (but not with a suit) or with casual sportswear—even jeans—and they still look cool and sophisticated in that Marlon Brando kind of way. Do I have to say more than Marlon and Brando? I don’t think so. Loafers are also very Italian. In Milan, even the cabdrivers are cool. Why? Because they’ve got great loafers. And cute little Mercedes-Benz cabs! Who knew?

  A word of caution about loafers: Beware the low vamp. No, this is not a trashy woman. The vamp refers to how far the shoe comes up the top of your foot. I hate to see shoes with a low vamp. They are très cheesy and they show way too much of your sock. Leave them in the GoodFellas wardrobe trailer, where they belong.

  The Great Cordovan Mystery

  There a lot of men walking around thinking that cordovan shoes—you know, that mahogany, winey-dark color—are okay to wear with a suit. Well let’s talk about that, because it’s not okay.

  It might help to take a step back and explain where cordovan comes from. Originally, cordovan was sinewy leather made from a horse’s rump. I think you can probably guess how I feel about wearing a horse’s ass on your feet. Back in the day when people used horses for farming and work and transportation, there were so many horses around that when they got old and they died, they would use horsehide to make things. Luckily, this is not so popular anymore. Most “cordovan” shoes today are not true cordovan; they’re calfskin or leather that’s been tanned to achieve what I like to call “cordovanosity.” It’s a lovely color, but not for your suits.

  4.The Flip- Flop. For five dollars, flip-flops are more fun than an Asian hooker—at half the cost! They’re a must have. Get them in black and brown. Then again, they’re so inexpensive, why not get them in every color available? I’m not talking about Tevas here or any other nylon “tech sandal.” A technical sandal is about as stupid-looking as it sounds. I’m talking about a plain old flip-flop from J.Crew, Old Navy, or the little Brazilian beauty known as the Havaiana.

  In the summer, flip-flops are chic with absolutely everything—shorts and a linen shirt, denim and a blue blazer, khakis and a white cotton oxford. But feel free to wear them right into the fall, as long as snow has not yet fallen and the temperature is still mild. I once wore a brown Jil Sander suit (that’s a fancy lady designer from my homeland) with brown Old Navy flip-flops. But this look is not for amateurs. I’ll admit that flip-flops are hard to wear in the city and hard to drive in (see Driving Moccasins, below, for those occasions), but that’s part of the cachet.

  5.The Cowboy Boot. The cowboy boot is a classic American icon, right up there with baseball, apple pie, and show tunes. Okay, maybe not so much the show tunes for you. But cowboy boots made America great, and they’ll look great on your feet, trust me. Go out and get a pair or I’ll kick your ass. Wear them everywhere: in your living room, to a game, to the Emmys, to the opera. They can go everywhere except weddings or funerals, unless a rodeo clown is getting married or has died. Then you’re in luck!

  6.The Chelsea Boot. They’re called Chelsea boots because everyone in New York’s Chelsea neighborhood, where nearly everyone is gay, owns a pair, and gay men know shoes, people. Chelsea boots are compact boots with a side gore, which is a stretchy little elastic panel that allows the boot to fit snugly even though it doesn’t have laces. I prefer them in black, but brown suede is yummy, too. Chelsea boots are classics that go well with absolutely everything—they’re sexy and a little more rugged than your average dress shoe. And because they were invented for riding, they add just a little equestrian flair to your wardrobe. Trust me, horse people know clothes. It’s never a bad idea to copy them. The Glories of Shoe Shopping

  Here are some little shopping tricks For treats for your tootsies. First of all, you should try on shoes later in the day, because your feet tend to expand as the day goes on. And make sure you’re wearing the socks you’re really going to wear—no trying on dress shoes with big white tube socks. Most importantly, don’t get suckered by the cute salesgirl who tells you, “Don’t worry if they’re not comfortable now! They’ll break in.” Let me tell you a secret. “Break in” is a code word for “Not gonna happen.” Shoes should feel comfortable when you try them on. If they’re not comfortable when you buy them, they’re probably not just going to magically morph into comfortable shoes later on.

  Finally, if while on your shopping journey you find a pair of comfortable shoes that you absolutely, absolutely love, and they are so “you,” and so great looking—go back and buy a second pair of the exact same shoe. Just like condoms, it’s always good to have a backup. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

  7.The Classic Tennis Shoe. I’m not talking about white Reeboks here. And I’m not talking about all these exotic colored sneakers that make you look like a refugee from the Namibian national soccer team. I’m talking about black, navy or natural cotton Converse Chuck Taylors, which look great with jeans or a suit. They’re always timeless and cool. Think James Dean. If Chucks don’t tickle your fancy, try the classic black-and-white Adidas sambas or a chic pair of suede Pumas. Going Sockless

  Going sockless can add a WASP-ish, care-free joie de vivre to your look. It’s so cool and has a trendy kind of sophistication. I often like to wear shoes without socks from Memorial Day through Labor Day, for the perfect summer chic casual look. But this is only acceptable in casual situations—for those easy breezy summer weekends when you’re on vacation or at the beach and it’s fun to wear a pair of jeans, a blue blazer, and a white shirt with loafers and no socks. Seeing the tanned tops of your feet can give you all the sexy allure of a Kennedy, without those pesky DUIs.

  But going sockless is not for dinner at the White House or for a meeting with your loan officer. In fact, you should never go sockless if you’re wearing a suit. This is one of those “Do as Carson says, not as Carson does” times, though, because I confess I have gone sockless with a suit (like on the cover of this book!). But I don’t recommend it. At least not for amateurs. Leave this one to the pros.

  There is one caveat. If you do choose to take the sockless plunge, you need to use powder in your shoes to avoid your sweaty feet smelling like a cheese factory. Not appealing, people.

  TIP

  Fairy Carson Explains All About Taps

  Please, my straight friends, do not put taps on your shoes. They’re devised to prevent wear and tear on the toe and the heel, but it‘s really not that expensive to have shoes resoled, and most leather will wear more evenly without them. Not to mention that you’re going to sound like some out of work chorus line member from 42nd Street. I only like taps on Liza.

  8.The Athletic Sneaker. The athletic shoe is where you can knock yourself out. This shoe can be as ugly as you want it to be. (I can’t believe I just said that!) It just needs to provide support and protect against bunions and corns. Good times, good times.

  It pains me to have to remind you that athletic shoes are for the gym and for the gym only. We’re in the midst of a raging sneaker epidemic in this great nation of ours, which has been propagated by the freakishly huge—and growing! �
�selection of sneakers available. I fear that the number of sneaker styles out there will soon exceed the national population. True athletic shoes, meaning any sneaker that is predominantly white, should be saved for the gym. You can’t even wear them to get coffee in the morning. And one thing I really hate to see is men on their morning commute wearing sneakers with a suit. That’s a one-way ticket to Tragikestan. It saddens me more than global deforestation. Don’t ever, ever do that or, Prada help me, I will personally come and rip those shoes off your feet.

  9.The Driving Moccasin. A moccasin made for exactly what it says: driving your car. And even if you don’t build your wardrobe around driving, you should still have a pair of these, because they’re comfortable, they’re just plain cool, and they look great with everything. They’re especially yummy in chocolate brown and, for the more daring, baby blue. Okay, I confess that driving mocs may not be for amateurs or the average Joe, but who wants to be average?

  10.The Tuxedo Shoe. If you’ve made it this far, consider yourself among the lucky. If you already own tuxedo shoes, you probably own a tuxedo. Good for you! I’m beginning to like you already. If you don’t, keep it simple on this one and go with a black patent leather lace-up, which is always timeless and classic.